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Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I regret, that I can help nothing. I hope, you will find the correct decision.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

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You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

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The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

xeMrNT

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

This actually answered my downside, thank you!

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

bull journal you've gain

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

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I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

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Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

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When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

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Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

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It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Why don't you write books people can read?

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When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

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First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

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It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

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Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

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I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

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Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

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In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

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Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

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When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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